There's only so much televised women's bowling that a human being can endure.
And apparently for me that limit is firmly set at 14 seconds.
That's when I begin thinking.
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This is airtime that could be used for something creative. Something witty and relevant. Something that actually says something. Something like Saved by the Bell: The New Class .tIt's generally then that I slam down the remote and pick up a pen.
I begin scribbling the script for the pilot of what is to be my television masterpiece.
But at a certain point in writing, just as my characters are about to get locked in a basement where they'll talk, try on crazy outfits and learn just a little about life, love and maybe even each other, I give up.
This will never be on television.
I have no connections.
I don't even have a camera.
But Rick Osborne, 38, of Rochester, program director at Rochester Community Television, says that I do.
He'll gladly put my show on RCTV (cable channel 15) — one of the area's largest public access television stations — as long as I'm a resident of the city and 16 or older.
If you're not familiar with the concept of public access or have never seen Wayne's World , public access stations, in addition to representing concerns and issues of the community, are an outlet for residents to create and air whatever programming their hearts desire, from politically driven talk shows to their kids' ballet recitals — just as long as it falls under Federal Communications Commission regulations.
If you're looking for reality television, it doesn't get any more real.
Most towns in the area have their own stations, but not all have a fully functioning studio like RCTV, which operates out of the city.
“If you want to use our equipment, you have to take a training course with us,” says Osborne. “But if you want to do a show and (you) have your own camera, all you have to do is drop off the tape.”
Osborne, who hosts his own music shows on the station (Rhythm & Business , which airs at 9 p.m. on Sundays and repeats at 10 p.m. on Thursdays, and 30 f.p.s. , which airs at 6:30 p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays), says that the potential of public access goes largely untapped in this town.
“About 50 percent of our programs are church services,” he says. “The rest are a wide variety of other things but mostly music video shows.”
Joshua Bloodworth, 26, of Rochester, a production assistant at the facility, says that religious and music shows are in surplus because of the ease with which a service or concert can be taped and edited.
But he says that with a little initiative, the possibilities for aspiring producers are endless. He's surprised more people haven't taken the initiative.
“You'd think we'd have more young people who are tired of regular television and would like to make their own,” he says.
That sentiment is echoed by station general manager Carvin Eison, who believes that the role of public access television should not be underestimated.
“There's no other place you can get into this medium, walk into a station and say ‘I'm going to make a show',” he says. “And we believe that everyone has at least one television program in them.”
For Jon Sparacino, 35, of Rochester that program is the off-beat variety show I'm Going to Make a Drug With My Mind .
He believes that for all of the advancements in the fields of imaging and communications that have come from Rochester, it's strange more people haven't embraced public access.
“It's ridiculous this station isn't being used more,” he says. “In a town with Kodak, Xerox and the film school at Rochester Institute of Technology, Rochester's public access station should be one that people from other cities really want to see.”
Sparacino feels that the programming on RCTV is lacking humor in the form of sketch comedy shows, “like SCTV and Saturday Night Live , ” and Osborne sees a need for more educational and children's programs.
So in an effort to inspire some of Rochester's wannabe TV stars and producers, we checked around the insider office and came up with just a few suggestions for shows we'd like to see:
Squirrels Gone Wild
Concept: Testing the theory that if you offer 40-cent Mardi Gras beads, turn on a camera and count down from three, you can get anything to flash.
Lakewatch
Concept: Follow the daily adventures of lifeguards at Ontario Beach Park in Charlotte. The big cliffhanger in each episode: Will the beach be open today?
Odd Couple Cooking Challenge
Concept: Two opposing personalities, one dish, plenty of gibes and the very real threat of a food fight. Who wouldn't want to see Larry Flynt and Billy Graham cook a lovely chicken and rice casserole?
S&M Show
Concept: Every week (or possibly longer, to allow time for recuperation) hosts Lash Leather and Ivana B. Hert (I'd like it to be noted that I didn't come up with these names) guide you through the wonderful world of bondage.
Inside Tim Karan's Head
Concept: (Suggested by an unnamed editor) An exploration of the nexus of ideas and how eating nothing but sugar all day can affect your perception of reality.
I'd write more but I have to ride a falcon to Scott Baio's house and slay a dragon with a deck of cards.
